I Review Musicals Based Only On Their TONY Award Performances

The 76th TONY Awards have since passed into the mists of memory. Some of the shows have closed, some live on to hopefully recoup their investments. Some will live on in cast recordings and bitchy backstage gossip. I choose to remember these shows as I had experienced them: through their TONY Awards performances.

Despite living in New York City, recent life circumstances (children come into this world expensive and needy, and mine has yet to prove otherwise) have made it impossible for me to see any of the Broadway musicals nominated for TONY Awards this past year. I could, however, enjoy each show’s delicious, bite-sized offering as they appeared on the June 11th’s telecast this year. It was, admittedly, a weird show, having broadcast during the early weeks of the WGA strike. No matter, I’m not here to review the ceremony itself. I’m here to cast my judgement on the supposed best of the season.

Why now? Why in early December? May I refer you to the aforementioned life circumstances and then kindly offer that you retreat all the way off my back

New York, New York

Lin Manuel-Miranda would have you believe that this show is Broadway’s love-letter to New York. He should know better, having already written “The Schuyler Sisters,” the only love-letter New York will ever want or need.

As for the show itself, my initial reaction was a loud and emphatic “nope.” If I’m going based on the musical number leading up to the titular song, only men come to New York to pursue their dreams, unless their dream is to be married, then they’re women, but they don’t get to vocalize it. Women get to dance and maybe get lifted up while the men get to chase the American Dream, loudly and in fine voice. Call me a misandrist, but I don’t think in the year of our lord, 2023 that Broadway needs yet another goddamn musical about cishet men and their stupid dreams.

3/10

Aaron Sorkin’s Lerner and Loewe’s Camelot

I actually did a tour of Camelot when I first moved to New York, so I have some knowledge of this show’s workings. I have not seen the Sports Night edition. I don’t see anything anymore. I’m a mom. My time and money are no longer my own. And I’m tired. So very tired….

Where was I? Oh, yes. Camelot. You know, for a show depicting one of the most famous love-triangles in all of Western literature it’s aggressively unsexy. In the original libretto, no one even kisses. The “merry month of May” refers to Beltane, the festival of fire and fucking, and in Camelot its…balletic choreography and dainty ankle showing.

My God, the ensemble is so tiny. These songs were written for more voices. These choral numbers just sound…anemic.

I don’t know who plays Lancelot, but his voice is glorious. He’s got great young Brian Stokes Mitchell energy, and I hope he gets cast in a sexier show where people actually get to kiss.

(Seriously, I cannot stress how fucking frigid Camelot is; did Lerner and Loewe think that the Hayes Code extended to theater or something? Just let the adulterers fuck, for Christ’s sake).

2/10, needs more fucking

& Juliet

“What happens when you remix Romeo and Juliet with pop’s greatest hits?” I don’t know, but I want it to get off my lawn.

This musical was made specifically to annoy me, I just know it. Whoever made this show saw how well Beetlejuice was doing on TikTok and screamed “I WANT THAT” and put this together. This show is pointing at me and calling me old, and I don’t like it. This is what Andrew Lloyd Webber thought that Bad Cinderella was going to be rather than the trash fire it turned into.

Anyway, TikTok couldn’t save Beetlejuice because Gen Z is too poor for Broadway tickets (thanks, Ronald Reagan.) I wish these kids the best and a very merry stay the hell away from me.

3/10

Sugar I mean, Some Like It Hot

I have read that they updated the story so that one of the characters discovers her trans identity through dressing in feminine clothing, which I think is a smart addition to the show. This musical number is ten times better than anything in Sugar, the original Some Like It Hot musical. The cast is fun and talented, the choreography zips.

BUT! Those girls who were supposed to be musicians didn’t even try to fake-play their instruments, so I’m deducting points for that. I’m also deducting points for the diegetic confusion of where the music is supposed to be coming from when I only see a trumpet and drummer playing (that was a problem in Sugar, too. Yes, I was also in Sugar, that’s why I know so much about it). These are the things you need to think about if you want my ravest of rave reviews.

6/10

Into The Woods

Interesting choice for a number to showcase (“It Takes Two”). I liked Milky White, but it’s very hard to fuck up Milky White. Even if you just put a cow statue on wheels, as I’ve seen in many a production, it’s still enough for Milky White.

Eh. I didn’t find anything wrong with it. The performers were charming and in fine voice. Milky White was Milky White. It was perfectly fine.

6/10 (I’ve seen so many Into The Woods in my life, you guys. It’s a good show, it’s always going to be a good show, this looks like it was a good show. But you’ve got to work a little harder to get a higher score from me)

PARADE

Now is not the time to be snarky about PARADE. In fact, it’s never a good time to be snarky about PARADE. Only the worst kind of people will find a way to mock PARADE, and I refuse to be that kind of person.

However.

I will say that Ben Platt is either always too old looking or too young looking for whatever role he’s meant to play. The man defies age range. Not that it’s stopped him. He’s clearly talented, and as long as his daddy is willing to produce there will always be a place for him on Broadway

PARADE is a powerful story with some gorgeous music about a subject that is sadly timely….but I saw Lea Michelle clapping for it, so I have to deduct points.

7/10 (I hate seeing Lea Michelle happy)

Jim Henson’s Sweeney Todd Babies (I’m sorry, I’ll never get over how young they are)

It’s appropriately dark and gritty, I’ll give ’em that. Seeing that kid from Stranger Things kind of sent me. What are you doing here, Dustin? Aren’t you supposed to be fighting demigorgons or whatever? The choreography is also kind of sending me. I’m sorry, who said that Sweeney Todd was missing something and that something was choreography? It was probably choreographer. It was silly. I’m deducting points for silliness. I’m also deducting points for how young Josh Groban is. I know he’s around my age and we’re both in our 40s, but I still think of him as a small boy with a big voice. Maybe in ten more years he’ll age into a credible Sweeney, but until then…

7/10

A Beautiful Noise

It’s the Neil Diamond show. If you like Neil Diamond, you’re gonna like this show. As for me…

3/10, Now someone go make a Janelle Monae musical.

Kimberly Akimbo

It’s sad, it’s funny and it’s set in New Jersey. Just like my childhood.

I love when a musical is so confident in itself that it doesn’t showcase its “biggest” number at the TONY’S but the one that reveals its heart. “Ring Of Keys” from Fun Home (a Jeanine Tesori musical, just like Kimberly Akimbo; what do you know?) at the 2015 show was such a moment, and this song likewise perfectly encapsulates the soul of Kimberly Akimbo. I got everything I needed to know about the show in this one sweet little number (even something of a title drop) and it made me crave more. I really, really want to go see this show, now, but I don’t know if we can justify the expense. That often happens when you are both a writer and a mom but especially a mom.

10/10, no notes.

Shucked

It’s about corn.

I mean…it’s unfortunate that this show followed the Kimberly Akimbo number. This song was all razzle-dazzle, which is fun. I guess this show is fun, but I like my fun tinged with a bit of melancholy. I got the sense that Kimberly Akimbo has so much going on in it’s run time and that Shucked is…about corn.

6/10 (needs more context beyond corn)

And that’s it! Your TONY Awards class of 2023. Now, go see a show, if not for you, then for me. Because, as much as I like to make fun of Broadway, I do love it and miss it so much. Go see a show or a play and tell me all about it. Let me live vicariously through you. We both deserve it.

Julius Ceasar: Non-Traditionally Cast

Ceasar: to be played by a woman

Brutus: to be played by a middle-aged black woman

Antony: to be played by an 11-year-old Phillipino girl

Portia: nonbinary 75-year-old paraplegic

Cassius: body-positive Japanese plus-size pop idol

Calphurnia: a rescue Great Dane with impossibly sad eyes

Casca: a parrot that only speaks in Greek curse words

Octavius: 3,000 mice in a person suit

Soothsayer: a pineapple

Cinna (the Conspirator): the ghost of Scatman Crothers

Cinna (the Poet): your mom

Cicero: the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota

Lepidus: bees…my God…

Decius: a vague sense of unease

Flavius: the heart of a child

Murellus: the failure of late capitalism

Citizens of Rome: various pots, pans and rubber gloves

DUCK PUPPY!

Countdown to Old!

In one month, I will have successfully completed another fun journey around the sun. To prep for the occasion, let’s all watch this Aries-inspired makeover.

I thought I was the only person who thought about opening up a fight garden.

Cake Fail

What a time to be alive.  Black is white, up is down, truth is false and nothing makes sense anymore.  On top of everything, The Supreme Court did two infuriating things recently: it allowed Trump to reinstate parts of his awful ban-which-is-actually-a-ban and it agreed to hear the case of the Christian Colorado baker who refused his services to a gay couple.  SCOTUS will attend to both cases after their summer recess, during which time hopefully none of them will die.

That Stuffed Cloak-bag of Guts

(Note: I originally posted the following on Facebook, but I liked it so much that I thought total strangers deserved to see it as much as casual acquaintances and intimate relations.  I apologize to all in my Facebook community who no longer feel special.  You are all still special, but not “this post”-special.)

That moment when…

…you have breathed deep the heady opiate fumes of Pokémon Go and have given into the glorious hunt.  At present, you are struggling with a Caterpie (it is always the Caterpie that give you the most trouble.)   Your battery is low and the battle is tense, but you finally manage get him (her?) trapped in a pristine Pokéball. It busts out, for Caterpies are underestimated for their strength and tenacity, and ready your arm for another face-off…but something is wrong.  This Caterpie, it does not leap back into its sanctioned battle stance as is customary Pokémon etiquette.  This Caterpie, it does not retreat.  It will not back down.  It boldly posits itself as close to the screen as possible, eyes locked with yours, body swaying like a cobra. Is this…is this Caterpie challenging you?   Is it looking into your soul, seeing all your sins laid bare and judging you for them?  You don’t know.  How could you know?  All that you know, as you frantically power off your phone is that you are going to die.  Maybe not today, maybe not for weeks or months or even years, but one day, when your guard is finally at ease, when you lay yourself down waiting for the secure cloud of sleep to envelop you…you will see those same dead, bulbous black eyes one more time.  And they will be the last things you ever see…

The horror…

Writing Prompts That YOU Can Use

You’re on your way to your first day of Basic Pickling Techniques at the local adult education center, when a time-traveling Ayn Rand gives you an important message.

You are teaching your first class in Time-Travelling at the local adult education center when you are interrupted by Ayn Rand, who can’t find her way to Basic Pickling Techniques and has an important message.

Ayn Rand is about to write her great manifesto on Basic Pickling Techniques when she is interrupted by you, a time-traveller, with an important message.

You have an important message about time-travelling, but Ayn Rand won’t stop talking to you about Basic Pickling Techniques.

At the Battle of The Bands, your band, Basic Pickling Techniques, is about to face off against crowd favorite Time-Traveling Ayn Rand.  Write the lyrics to your smash hit “Important Message.”

In a dystopian future, where mankind worships Basic Pickling Techniques, you and Ayn Rand are the only ones who can save mankind with your important message about time-traveling.

A group of Basic Picklings are discussing the finer points of Ayn Rand Techniques when a time-traveling message arrives with an important you.

Ayn Rand something something Basic Pickling Techniques blah blah time-traveling blee important message.

You walk in on your father making love to Ayn Rand as they are engaged in a series of a sexual maneuvers known as Time-Traveling Basic Pickling Techniques.  Describe what you are seeing.  Include an important message.

On Perfection and Making Stuff

Image by this lady.

I think one of my follies as a writer- and as an actor and probably as a person as well- is my insatiable need to make everything big and perfect.  Everything.  Like this blog is not just a blog: this a canvas on which I must smear the bloodpaints of my soul and offer humbly to the Gods of Creativity and their various consorts.

And that is why I have not updated since September.  Bloodpaintings on a regular basis are harrrrd.

So, no more perfection.  Perfection is nice every now and then, but let’s be real.   Perfection is not an accessible weekly goal.   I’m not saying my past work has been beyond reproach.  I think what I do is quite close to reproach.  Adjacent, really.  It’s the striving for perfection that fucks me up.  It hinders all creative conquests.  It’s like saying to a month-old baby “GET UP!  GET THE FUCK UP!  WHY AREN’T YOU RUNNING MARATHONS, YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT?”  Babies can’t run marathons, no matter how much you yell at them.  Babies need to learn how to walk, and then walk without falling, and then run, and then run without falling, and then run for a long time, and then run for an even longer time, and so on and so forth.  At some point, the baby will also have to learn not to poop in his or her pants.  Or maybe diaper dependency is actually a good thing thing when you are running 26 miles.  What I’m trying to say is, I’ve never run a marathon, but if I had I would not have been a baby.

If I am trying to say anything with this little bit of word-mess is that it is okay to fuck up.  In fact, it is necessary and inevitable.  If you try to make everything perfect or even exceptional you are going to end up frustrated and disappointed with a blog that has only five posts in the last year.

So no more perfection for me.  No more bloodpaintings, no more soul-canvases no more crying out to the Muses for validation.  I’m just going to make stuff.  Making stuff feels pretty good.

 

The 15 Best Nonessential ‘Breaking Bad’ Characters

15. Paul, of TwaughtHammer fame

14. Lewis, Walter Jr.’s best/only friend

13. Jesse’s little brother

12. German Dipping Sauce Scientist

11. Remote Control Car Kid

10. Fake Heisenberg

9. Mistake Fake Heisenberg

8. That Lady That Works at Los Pollos

7. Charlie Rose

6. That One Lazy-ass Student (“I think I may have ADD…”)

5. Ken Wins

4. Walter White’s Mom

3. That Woman Who Freaked Out About The Candles At Ted Beneke’s Birthday

2. Marie’s Toaster

1. This Guy

Image from uproxx.com because I’m in a hurry