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Ambien, My Bitch-Goddess

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Last night I spent twelve hours working as background on an overnight movie shoot.  Seven to seven.  P.M. to A.M.  Twelve hours spent pretending to eat coleslaw and not looking directly at the camera.  When the shoot wrapped, I had very little time to rest as I had dog walks scheduled for the afternoon.  I needed $85, and I made it on my own terms.

I finally made it home at around 4:30.  Despite my fatigue, I did not want to go to sleep right away.  I just wanted a small nap to rest and recover.  After all, the coming night still beckoned; adventures cloaked in black velvet sky waited for me.  The balmy evening air whispered to me one word: a promise.  A promise of what Nyx had in store for me, and that word was “laundry”.

So, I just needed a nap.  I usually take Ambien for a full night’s sleep.  With my keen knowledge of pharmaceuticals I deduced that half my regular dose (normally 10 mgs) would be enough for a few hours of restorative slumber.

It turns out that’s not how Ambien works.

Let me preface what I am about to say with a warning: Ambien is a hell of a drug, and not to be trifled with.  Don’t ever take it.  Get a good night’s sleep the old fashioned way, with good bed hygiene and regular nighttime rituals.  I take Ambien because my lifestyle does not afford me good bed hygiene or regular nighttime rituals.  If that’s true for you, too, then for God’s sake, take the Ambien.  Sleep is important.  Treat yo’ self!  Just only take it as prescribed, never recreationally, and never with the ghost of Heath Ledger.  Okay?  Great.

That said, I am so very high right now.

I had experienced the joys of sleepless Ambien before, usually when circumstances had forced me to wake up before the drug’s effect wore off.  Did I tell you I had a crazy schedule?  Seven-to-seven, dude.  And let’s not even go into my 24-hour catering from hell experiences (you can read about one of them here.  The effects of the drug, when the user is awake are…pleasantish.  Magical, even.  Right now my body feels like it is gently swaying, like the hem of a sun dress.  My mind…my mind feels what I can only describe as “elastic”.  Ideas flash upon me that are at once both brilliant and stupid.  For example, do you think if mankind had never invented the wheel, horses would have evolved into pegasi?  A normal brain would not ask such a thing so boldly.  An Ambien brain knows no shame.

Again, though, don’t take Ambien to get high.  It is one habitual motherfucker.  Ambien will fuck your brain shit up and not even feel sorry about it.  Seriously, ask Heath Ledger.  Oh, you can’t because he died.  Because he abused Ambien.  And his ghost isn’t real, it’s just your Ambien-induced delusion.  Ambien is not candy.  It’s not even the chalky kind of candy you buy by the bag at CVS.  Ambien is evil.  Ambien is the devil.  You do not want to dance with this devil, because the dance isn’t over until Ambien says it’s over, and Ambien really loves to dance.

Unless you need it to sleep.  Then, Ambien is cool.

..Or would horses have evolved little wheels in their hooves?

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